Thursday, 10 January 2008

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains...

... Just pull yourself together, man!

I had to visit the Polish doctor again. There's a high demand for horse tranquillizers on the Kraków narcotics market, and I needed to restock.
Unfortunately Car Guy inconsiderately came down with winter vomiting flu, so I was on my own. I tried the "Jestem Angielką i nie mowię dobrze po polsku..." line (guaranteed to prompt English-speaking in even the least articulate burger-flipper). Sadly it didn't work here. In the majority of cases I'm longing to meet a Pole who will simply continue speaking slowly and repeating or explaining stuff until I get it (rather than trying to switch into English, which is just frustrating). However, when medical examinations are involved, no thanks, I want things to be Absolutely Clear from my side of the stirrups.

The Polish health system terrifies me and this is because it consolidates and intensifies all my natural tendencies towards hypochondria. They do like to give out drugs. It's like sweeties at Santa's Grotto.

- Oh your back aches? Hmm you're standing a bit wonky. I'm referring you for an x-ray.

Panic!

- Hmm you look a little peaky. Here are four different kinds of antibiotics. And come back for an MRI scan when you've finished them. And ... don't panic... but... have you ever been in contact with leprosy?

The terror is such that I actually start to feel more sick than I did before: cold sweats, shallow breathing, anxiety...

And what's the deal with czopki, hmm? I know what these are: our Polish teacher brought some in, with a gleeful grin on her face, telling us how fantastic and fast-acting they are. But would it really not work just as well if I simply put it in my mouth? That end is strictly a One Way Street. No Entry. Maintenance Personnel Only.
You come out of the pharmacy and it's like putting together a flatpack from Ikea: A goes in slot B, C goes in your ear, D up your nose, E cover it in jam, F stick it in a badger*, and so on.

The good old UK NHS simply gives you a pat on the back, tells you to 'buck up old thing' and sends you home with a box of aspirin. Unless you are aged between 15 and 25, in which case they give you a box of aspirin and then test you for chlamydia:

- Ingrowing toenails, eh? ... Would you mind lying down on the bench for a moment? This may feel a bit cold...


* With apologies to Mr Izzard.

6 comments:

The provider of said hat said...

Get well soon! And stay off the czopki, sounds very uncomfortable...

pinolona said...

Don't worry, I'll be sticking to the ones you have to cover in jam and feed to a badger. Apparently they are much more effective.

W-wa Jeziorki said...

Don't bother with Polish docs unless it's serious. In our family we've made up an ailment called Mucholiopsypsypoza which you can get from eating sledzie while standing up, eating the ends of bananas (which as every babcia knows are full of spiders' eggs),from going out without a hat when it's only +12C outside, or not wearing slippers. The only known antidotes to Mucholiopsypsypoza are magnesium tablets (magnez and hot milk with butter, garlic and honey. Babcias know what they're talking about, because they're all 95.

Datblog said...

Hi

I typed a long comment into your most recent post but it did not appear to go through - did you get it?

Great blog by the way - insightful, humorous and good observations

Dat Blog

batorego said...

Hypochondria? Welcome to paradise.

No posts for 5 days? My god, I think we're losing her!

Btw: You've been meme-tagged; make of it what you will :)

http://batorego.wordpress.com/2008/01/17/7-things-about-me-meme/

pinolona said...

Hi,

No I'm here, just nothing to write about in January. It's not even snowing for heaven's sake!

On the basis of W-Wa's comment I suspect Car Guy may be a babcia-in-the-making.

Dat Blog: thanks! I've been secretly reading yours for a while (consider yourself stalked) and unfortunately I didn't get your comment. Sorry! Think blogspot may have eaten it...