On why toned abs are impossible if you have a dog

Exercise no. 1: sit ups.

Lie down on floor, on back, with knees in air.

Enter dog.
Dog sees you on floor. 'What on earth are you doing down there?!'
Dog potters over, with a look of deep concern, presses its nose into your face and sniffs loudly.

Pull in stomach muscles and raise head and shoulders towards knees.

Dog looks disturbed, potters around in a circle, and places a worried paw on your arm.
You attempt to sit up but collapse in giggles.

Hold this position, drawing in abdominal muscles

With a deep sigh, dog slumps down beside you and leans its muzzle on your ribs.
More giggles, resulting in very sudden release of clenched abdominal muscles. Lie flat on back, panting.
Dog is disturbed, stands up, wags tail hopefully, looks worried, sniffs tail and potters around in a circle again.

Gently lower yourself back to lying down position.

Since you are already lying down, this is not easy.
Dog presses nose into your face again.
Jump to standing position and bend knees in fighting stance.

Dog - overexcited at the prospect of a playfight - pees on the carpet.

Throw in the towel and go to look for some kitchen roll.

The Communist Pentathlon

From the window of a train somewhere about thirty minutes outside Bratislava, I noticed a small red-and-white aeroplane grounded in front of a building. As we got closer, I realised it was part of a children's playground.

- Oh look! I squealed to my colleague - A real plane in a playground! How cool is that?!
- Actually, he replied, - it's quite common to have military equipment in playgrounds here. There are plenty of places where children get to play with disused guns, for example. Traditionally it was to train them up to ward off potential attacks from the Forces of Capitalism.

I tried -unsuccessfully - to pinpoint any subtle whiff of Gallic irony.

- Seriously, he continued - my girlfriend had to learn to use a gas mask at school. And one of my American friends, his girlfriend used to do a sort of 'Communist pentathlon'...

The Communist pentathlon, it transpires, involves the following healthy outdoor activities:

i) Sprinting

ii) Shooting at a target

iii) Sprinting again

iv) Throwing a grenade

v) Swimming underwater across the Danube *

vi) Political Questions

I was impressed.

- We never did anything like that at school! The worst we got was throwing the shot putt!
- Me neither! Just think: thank goodness during the Cold War we never attacked them. We wouldn't have stood a chance!

I wonder how different my life would have been had I been raised as a grenade-hurling Slovak girl...


Announcement: The World Premier of the Original Communist Pentathlon (sponsored by Sevenoaks Town Council in conjunction with Laura Ashley) will take place on the Vine Cricket Ground on Sunday, May 10 in the afternoon. Applications to be received by end of March 2009 at the latest. Tea will be served at 5pm in the Pavilion: all survivors are welcome.


*Author's note: I made this up because we couldn't think of the fifth activity.