Monday, 26 July 2010

The modern young woman's guide to dealing with emergencies. Part V...

... the noisy children's toy.

I think we can all agree that nothing is quite so appealing as a Toy That Makes A Noise. Better still - a Book That Makes A Noise. Especially the kind that Really Annoys Grown-Ups...

Let's imagine for a moment that our pioneering young heroine is subletting a nice apartment from friends of friends who happen to be away for the summer. Naturally she is extremely careful to keep it clean and tidy and barely dares to open a kitchen drawer for fear of breaking something. However, in spite of all her good intentions...

- Early evening. Our enterprising young woman returns from classes and tandems and coffees, throws her bags to the floor and flops onto the bed.
- dust clears.
- strange wheezing sound becomes apparent
- did I break the vacuum cleaner?!
- tries to locate source of strange wheezing noise
- it's coming from the hallway
- noise resembles a sort of Clanger-like in and out wheeze, starting from a low pitch, whooshing up high and then swooping down low again.
- traces noise to bookshelves in hallway
- what on earth is going on?!
- carefully draws out one book, then another
- noise continues
- throws caution to the winds and pulls out whole handfuls of books at random

- finally!!

- a toddlers board book about a baby aeroplane...
... with a round metal sound-effect button on the front.

- relieved, pushes button to make it stop

- wheezing continues

- pushes button again. Maybe it's stuck.

- wheeze continues

- tinkers around with metal button for a while. No dice.
- gets fork. Pokes around to try and dislodge sound circuit. Noise stops...

... and then starts again.

- Time to go out to dinner. Surely book will have worn itself out by the time she gets back?

several hours later...

- opens door...

- wheezing sound.
- picks up book and - very, very cautiously, holds it under the kitchen tap. Lets a couple of droplets drip directly onto the noise mechanism of the book, careful not to cause any actual damage to the book itself...

... wheeze continues.

- opens tap a little further. Water gushes onto book. Cardboard begins to swell. Noise weakens...

... but doesn't stop.

- opens patio door. Puts book on back step. Shuts door...

... wheezing still very audible.

- takes hairbrush. End of hairbrush handle is roughly the size of the noise mechanism on the book.
- steady-handed, and with a precision worthy of a bomb squad, raises hairbrush and hammers it down on the mechanism...
... nothing.
- hammers again, a little less carefully.
- nothing.
- hammers harder, twice in quick succession. Book is starting to look a little dented.
- Wait! ... blessed silence.
- Goes to bed.

 Three days later

- wakes to wheezing noise. It is one in the morning.
- hits book twice with hairbrush and shuts it in the tumble drier.

- promises self that she will buy the family a replacement book before she leaves...

*see parts 1-4 on gas leaks, getting locked out, moving house and losing bus tickets...


Anonymous said...

This has to be my favorite blog series :)


Jeannie said...

That is SO funny about the wheezing book!!! Love it!! :-D

jarma said...

Can I send this post to Greg? :D

pinolona said...

don't even think about it!!