Thursday, 11 September 2008

Karma repair

I would like to use this post to apologise wholeheartedly to the woman I mistook for a man in the ladies lavatory of Caffe Nero this afternoon.

I regret that this escalated into a full-scale shouting match and I am awfully sorry about your recent throat surgery. Although I was rather alarmed when you shouted from inside the cubicle that you were 'shooting up' and that you were going to make me suck your 'big fat cock', my better judgement ought to have recognised this for sarcasm rather than verbal sexual assault. Indeed, I wish that I had looked more convinced when you bared your breast downstairs in the cafe to prove that you were not, in fact, of the masculine sex.

In terms of the genuinely transgendered population I generally hold a very open-minded view and I do intend to react more positively in future to muscular persons in pink dresses who assertively profess in bass tones to want me to apply oral suction to their nether regions. I hope that this incident will not be taken as a typical example of my attitude towards this minority group*.

I also apologise to your friend, the consumption of whose coffee was interrupted when she felt compelled to aid you in your quest to 'batter' me. I understand that lone 9 stone lightweights in coffee shops are a serious physical threat and must be quashed at all costs.

I am pleased that you work 'in the public eye': congratulations. Yes, you doubtless do earn a larger salary than I do and I am glad that you are able to draw some small comfort from this material superiority.

If you will permit me to impart a little knowledge in the area of rhetoric I would advise that the use of the phrase 'get out of my face' is actually only effective if a person is imposing on your personal space, and not the other way around.

Apart from anything else, I am sorry if I unwittingly touched on an area of pain or low self-esteem. A better person than I would have apologised straight away, ignored the aggression, and let things be.

Please be advised that I am not 'a little girl'. I am a big girl now, with access to lawyers. Let's not do this again.

*I also hope that my blog doesn't get blacklisted for mentioning corpulent male body parts... uh oh...


Agnes Mildew said...

Dear Lord! Sounds like you touched a very raw nerve there!
You have certainly handled yourself very well, though. And he is in 'the public eye'?
I do so hope he is a Labour MP...

pinolona said...

Uh no. It was a woman actually. And she didn't seem to be an MP - probably a PR girl.

peixote said...

I am sorry but NOTHING justifies the use of words such as 'lawyers'. Really, that was absolutely uncalled for. After all, children might be reading this blog.

baduin said...

Strange. I have in bars met from time to time with girls who so to say overflowed to the male lavatory, because of there was a too-long queue in the proper WC.

They seemed not to cause any hostile reactions, even among the clients caught at the urinals.

Additionally, I am all for the disadvantaged, including not only traditional fingerless carpenters, but also mute lawyers and legless runners (modern prostheses are wonderful). I think however that a PR girl with a male bass voice is a bit too much.