Sunday, 19 October 2008

Traveller in Time

Captain's Log, Stardate apparently some time in mid-December 2008

Initially very little seemed to have changed upon my return to the Old Country, but gradually over the past couple of days I have begun to observe subtle differences which lead me to question the true nature of my return journey from Bratislava. Allow me to explain: I appear to have travelled, not only through international air-space, but indeed in time itself.

Do not be fooled by my dramatic air. For an entire day, all seemed normal. I am not attempting to convince you that I have travelled forward into the tortured imaginary lands of George Orwell and HG Wells. Nor have I sped back into some primitive country redolent of Stravinsky's Rite of Spring. However, minute tweaks in the fabric of my everyday surroundings lead me to suspect a short skip of a matter of months.

The evidence is as follows:

1/ Absent-mindedly picking up an advertising leaflet from the coffee table in the lounge (to use as a bookmark) I realised that it was publicising a 'Christmas menu' at a local downmarket eatery. While I agree that it makes sense to book in advance, no-one of my acquaintance has ever yet had trouble getting a table at the Riverhead Harvester.

2/ Foraging through my absent parents' larder, I stumbled upon a solid slab of cake in a crackly cellophane wrapper. Closer inspection of the festive red label revealed this to be nothing more than 'Iced fruit cake', but a tell-tale sprig of holly innocently lurking in one corner raised my suspicions.

3/ Marks and Spencers. A short excursion (in search of wine) left me in no doubt. On the end of the aisles: Advent calendars! In the bakery section: Mince pies! Under beers wines and spirits: Mulled wine! (And an intriguing dark bottle labelled 'Chocolate Ruby'. This turned out to be British fortified wine flavoured with dark chocolate. Excruciating hangover guaranteed: any more migraine triggers and it'd be classified as a weapon of mass destruction).

What conclusions can be drawn from all this? When I clambered wearily up the Ryanair boarding steps (trying unsuccessfully to block out the baritone exuberance of several jubilant Polska fans behind me), I had no idea that I was about to embark upon a Journey Through Time. There was no clue that what I took to be turbulence on take-off - apparently caused by heavy rain over central Europe - was in fact the rippling of the Fabric of Destiny. How could I have guessed that a simple two-hour flight would in fact catapault me two months into the future? Why, in Kraków they weren't even selling lamps for All Saints' Day (at least not any more so than usual).

Or maybe it simply took much, much longer than I thought to get through arrivals at Stansted Airport.


Aidan said...

Does this mean you know who won the November election? You could put us out of our misery...

Island1 said...

Greetings from the World of Tomorrow!!

Note: this doesn't work unless you are a Futurama fan.

Anonymous said...

If they predict a recession in November, the best thing to do is to skip this month :)

pinolona said...

Aidan: I can't really tell, but no major new land wars have broken out and as far as I can make out moose and other furry mammals are not in fear of their lives so I can only assume Obama won.

anonymous: excellent idea, the only good thing about November is the fireworks which means we have to spend every weekend trying to stop the dog from chewing up the carpet in terror.

Island: we have a beige alert! Tell my wife I said... hello.

Darth Sida said...

Pinolona, pardon my offtop:

Island, you rascal! Futurama sucks! Go back to Jurassic Bark episode to learn that. Things that make Siths sob must be evil to the power of doh.