The Communist Pentathlon

From the window of a train somewhere about thirty minutes outside Bratislava, I noticed a small red-and-white aeroplane grounded in front of a building. As we got closer, I realised it was part of a children's playground.

- Oh look! I squealed to my colleague - A real plane in a playground! How cool is that?!
- Actually, he replied, - it's quite common to have military equipment in playgrounds here. There are plenty of places where children get to play with disused guns, for example. Traditionally it was to train them up to ward off potential attacks from the Forces of Capitalism.

I tried -unsuccessfully - to pinpoint any subtle whiff of Gallic irony.

- Seriously, he continued - my girlfriend had to learn to use a gas mask at school. And one of my American friends, his girlfriend used to do a sort of 'Communist pentathlon'...

The Communist pentathlon, it transpires, involves the following healthy outdoor activities:

i) Sprinting

ii) Shooting at a target

iii) Sprinting again

iv) Throwing a grenade

v) Swimming underwater across the Danube *

vi) Political Questions

I was impressed.

- We never did anything like that at school! The worst we got was throwing the shot putt!
- Me neither! Just think: thank goodness during the Cold War we never attacked them. We wouldn't have stood a chance!

I wonder how different my life would have been had I been raised as a grenade-hurling Slovak girl...


Announcement: The World Premier of the Original Communist Pentathlon (sponsored by Sevenoaks Town Council in conjunction with Laura Ashley) will take place on the Vine Cricket Ground on Sunday, May 10 in the afternoon. Applications to be received by end of March 2009 at the latest. Tea will be served at 5pm in the Pavilion: all survivors are welcome.


*Author's note: I made this up because we couldn't think of the fifth activity.